1. The Alphabet
Come on, guys. You’re halfway to ten years old. It’s “LMNOP,” not “ELEMENOP.” Also, it’s “twenty,” not “tenteen.” Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty. Got it? Good.
2. What Paste Actually Tastes Like
You've got one life...experiment with it. You show me a kid with no regrets, and I’ll show you a kid who’s lived a boring life. Try the paste. Pick your nose and eat it. If you’re not living on the edge, it’s probably because you still don’t have really good balance!
3. If you can run faster than someone else, you are better than that person.
If you win a race across the playground, you are better than the person you beat. At everything. Even things that have nothing to do with how fast you are. I don’t make the rules. I just follow ‘em.
4. Naps are For Babies
It does not matter how tired you are. Naps are for babies. Yes, if you do not nap, you will be very, very cranky in the afternoon. But if you do, then you are a baby. If you poop your pants while taking a nap, you will never ever recover. You will need to move to a new school. It’s that bad.
5. It’s Okay to Cry
Don’t bottle those feelings up. It’s okay to cry if something is really important. Like if a goldfish dies. Or you run out of crackers. Especially goldfish crackers!
6. If you’re a girl, boys have cooties. If you’re a boy, girls have cooties.
Yup...It’s just a medical fact. Stay clear, or you could get them too.
7. Santa Claus is Real
I don’t care what your big brother says. He’s a poop face. Santa is real. My parents told me so. If you’re Jewish, he just doesn’t go to your house.
8. No One Will Ever Be Stronger Than Your Dad
Your dad is the strongest person ever. He can lift you up over his head and open really tight jars. Heck...he can do anything. Other kids’ dads are not as strong. Make sure you let them know that.
9. You Can Only Have One Best Friend
Your teachers say that everyone is your friend. But you know better. You have to pick one best friend. Make sure every other friend knows that he or she is not your best friend. If you are a boy, your best friend should probably be a boy. If you are a girl, your best friend should probably be a girl. And make sure you don't end up with a creepy friend Whatever you do, though, change best friends often. Keep people guessing.
10. Stop, Drop, and Roll
If you are ever on fire, you need to remember to stop, drop, and roll. Don't panic. Grownups tell us this all the time. Probably that means everyone will be on fire at least once. This will come up! Remember it!
11. Learn How to Read
It may seem like a useless skill, but reading tells you lots of important stuff. Which animals are poisonous, what foods are most delicious, what channel Bob the Builder is on. Do not slack off on this. It will pay dividends.
12. Don’t Touch The Stove
Seriously, it’s hot. Sometimes grownups say things, and they’re not true. But this one is. The stove is hot. Really hot. Don’t touch it.
13. Drawings of People Don’t Need Bodies, Just a Head, Arms, and Legs or a Circle Will Do!
Don’t even bother with bodies. Who needs ‘em? They take up valuable time and space. If you have to include a body, a fat person is a circle, and a skinny person is a straight line. Done and done.
14. Fire Trucks are Red
Remember Red the Fire Engine from the Disney movie Cars. Yup! He's a fire truck and he's red like all fire trucks. And they go “woooo-oooo, wooo-oooo.” They’re not yellow. They don’t go “oooh-eeee, oooh-eeee.” Don’t be stupid.
15. The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round
Round and round, round and round. It’s what wheels are for. Wheels on cars and trucks do the same thing. But bus wheels, for some reason, get a song.
16. Lunchables Are Delicious
The tiny juice box, cheese slices, and meat pogs are as delightful a cuisine as you could ever want. If you don’t get one for lunch, it is okay to cry.
17. You Can Be Batman or a Princess When You Grow Up, For Real
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.